Eat, Prey, Bark: Valerie the Dachshund's Wilderness Adventure.

Sometimes a canine news story is so monumental, so earth-shatteringly huge that it defies rhyme and reason and today, well, today we bring you one such story. 529 days in the making, this yarn has it all: a remote Australian island, 2 frantic humans, a 5 day search, and 1 plucky heroine determined to save herself. 

Our tale begins in November 2023, when humans, Georgia Gardener and Josh Fishlock, and miniature dachshund, Valerie Fishlock-Gardener, took a trip to Kangaroo Island in South Australia, 130 miles southwest of the region's capital Adelaide. 

As the name suggests, the island is a wildlife paradise, where, as well as kangaroos, koalas, wallabies, and numerous rare species of plants and aquatic animals all live together in the state that nature intended with minimal interference from humans or domesticated animals. Valerie and her parents were staying at Stokes Bay, a human settlement on the idyllic island when a few days into the trip, the enterprising dachshund decided her pen was not for her. Again, the island is an animal paradise and whilst Valerie is no doubt a domesticated dog, like all dachshunds she is possessed of a degree of independence and self-confidence that belies reason. 

Liberated from her confines, Valerie set off to explore her environs and see what tasty morsels she could discover to satisfy her persistent peckishness (dachshunds are always, always hungry). Noticing her absence with alarm, her parents set off in pursuit, aided by the island’s expert guides and conservationists, but at 1,400 square miles, most of which remains wild, there were more than enough nooks and crannies in which an 8 lb doxie might hide, and so the search was called off and Georgia and Josh returned home utterly distraught. But just at the point where it seemed Valerie’s story might be drawing to a sad end, something incredible happened: multiple sightings of a dog, long but low, snuffling around in the undergrowth. It was Valerie! 

What followed was a long series of attempts to lure Valerie back to domestic life with morsels of her favorite food and offerings of her favorite toys but no matter how tempting, she refused the bait.

Happily, humans are as doggedly determined as doxies and 529 days and nights after she went walkabout, Valerie finally came home, or rather, came to be enclosed in a specially constructed pen which she had learned to use as a bolt hole, at first coming and going as she pleased until her comfort with the space was judged sufficient to close its door. After a week or so of slow reintroduction to pethood, our heroine was reunited with her ecstatic family in great health, with a few scrapes and cuts to show for her almost 2 year feral adventure, and an impressive 4lb weight gain; only a dachshund could add 50% to its body weight living on a desert island. 

Understandably, Valerie and her parents spent a few weeks reconnecting and enjoying secluded family time together but all three recognized the unique appeal of their story and the enormous interest it generated and began to consider how they might share it - and that’s when we got a call!

To say we were excited is the understatement of the 1.44 years that Valerie was on her rumspringa and we are THRILLED to share the fruits of that phone call today in the form of a world exclusive interview with Valerie where she describes the highs, lows, snacks, and tricks that made her almost 18 month eat, prey, bark odyssey a unique and life-changing experience. 

KD: Valerie, thank you so much for agreeing to speak with us, it's a true honor!

VtD: It’s my pleasure.

KD: You were missing for 529 days, what does it feel like to be home? 

VtD: You know it’s really great. My humans were very sad and anxious when I was away and now they are happy. Plus, even though I enjoyed my time on Kangaroo Island immensely, I missed my family and I missed my selection of beds and squeaky toys. Plus, plus, I am able to exploit my folks even more shamelessly than before so really, I’ve got it made. 

KD: Indeed. We’d like you to cast your mind back to November 2023 and tell us how it was you came to be a wild dachshund. What happened? 

VtD: No worries, I can do that. Well it was early evening and I had just eaten what I like to call first dinner - my parents just say dinner but that’s silly - and had settled down for a nap to ensure I was well-rested for second dinner - my parents say that isn’t a thing but that’s silly - when I had an idea. Mum and Dad kept saying how great it was to be on holiday and I thought what would a holiday look like for me, Valerie? 

KD: Go on. 

VtD: It seemed to me that what’s good for the parents is good for the pup, so I decided to have a little break from my eat, sleep, repeat routine. I had only planned for that break to last until second dinner, but I picked up an interesting scent and so naturally I followed it. Well, once I realized the time it was dark and on such a wild island, there were too many smells between me and my parents for my snout to take me home. Being a dachshund, I took this challenge in my (low) stride and figured I would snuffle around, find a second dinner for myself, then navigate home by the light of the moon and the position of the stars; it wasn’t until later that I remembered I knew nothing about astronomy. 

KD: So what did you do? 

VtD: I took a nap. 

KD: A nap? 

VtD: Yes. The thing about wilderness survival is that rest, alongside water and food, is essential. If you are well-rested, you can think more clearly, make smarter decisions. You can focus on finding food, you can avoid panicking, you can really orient yourself towards useful action. 

KD: When did it become apparent to you that you were in it for the long haul? 

VtD: Well I did wonder why mum and dad did not appear when I went looking for them. At home, I can always find them except when they go to work but I was born in the pandemic and they were stay-at-home parents for most of the time. So yeah I was looking around and barking to tell them where I was and also to come and get me. 

KD: How did you feel when they didn’t appear? 

VtD: At first, very indignant. As a dachshund, I am The Main Character and as such, my commands must be heeded. So yes, indignant, then quite sad because as well as needing them to be at my beck and call, my parents are my favorite people in the whole world and I love them. But look I also knew that they would be sad too and that my job was to try to find them since they couldn’t find me.

KD: Okay let’s fast forward a bit. Tell us about how you adapted to your new life. How on earth did you go from being a domestic doxie to a wild wilderhound? 

VtD: The thing about dachshunds is that we are hunters. We were bred to go down holes and hunt for badgers, rabbits, other small mammals, you know the sort of thing, so I just thought, Valerie, you’ve got this. I mean as well as being scent hounds, we are what my mum describes as “ludicrously over confident” - a characterization I reject - and I think the confidence I have, which is in fact just the right amount, together with my advanced hunting skills, would hold me in good stead. 

KD: And it turns out you were right. 

VtD: It turns out I was right. 

KD: I’m sure our readers would like to know about your day to day life on the island. What was it like?

VtD: At first, it was a bit chaotic. Without mum and dad, I was free to have as many breakfasts, lunches and dinners as I could catch and I went buck-wild. But I also knew that without mum and dad, I would need to do a lot of stuff for myself, you know, like get water, make my own bed, supply my own entertainment and so on. 

KD: Did you find others to help you? Did you make friends? 

VtD: Oh yes, and very quickly too. Look, in my hometown I have friends, but I also bark a lot at strangers. On the island I figured out pretty quickly that no dog is an island, and so when some possums and koalas popped by my den to see what the hell I was doing there, instead of barking at them, I wagged my tail. It turns out that possums and koalas can be a dog’s best friend and they helped me find a nice stream and some tasty berries and they showed me some good hunting grounds. We ended up becoming quite a pack and I loved it; without Kim and Doug and the gang, I would have had a much, much harder time.

KD: Now you have been home for a few weeks, have you had time to reflect on your time on Kangaroo Island? What did you learn?

VtD: I have, and I learned a lot! First, that my mum and dad are my whole world and I never want to be away from them again; secondly, that if I need to take care of myself, I can, but only - only - with a little help from my friends. Last but not least, it is really important to keep on going, even in the hardest and strangest of circumstances. Dig deep, build your resilience, rest, and eat your greens. 

KD: Last question. We have heard rumors that there are movie studios looking to make a film of your adventures on Kangaroo Island; can you tell us if this is true?!

VtD: (laughs) I’m not saying a word, except for watch this space!

And there you have it! Valerie, you are our heroine! May we all have your courage, smarts, and faith in ourselves 🐾🏝️♥️🐶